Want to turn every conflict with your spouse or business partner into a building block for a stronger relationship? In both marriage and business, it IS possible.
In this week's episode, join us, Bekah and Kevin, as we dive into the transformative strategies for handling conflicts in marriage and business. We unveil the art of transforming heated debates into bonding experiences and share the secret of "dropping the rope" to break free from negative cycles, including:
If you're seeking effective ways to deepen your connection and turn every argument into an opportunity for growth, this episode is a must-listen. Tune in now to discover how to strengthen the foundation of your relationship and become an unshakeable team in both love and business.
Subscribe and tell a friend!
Get my new book "The Seven Disciplines of Uncommon Freedom" on Amazon!
Visit bekandkev.com today to sign up for our email newsletter.
Access our Free health assessment HERE
Want to turn every conflict with your spouse or business partner into a building block for a stronger relationship? In both marriage and business, it IS possible.
In this week's episode, join us, Bekah and Kevin, as we dive into the transformative strategies for handling conflicts in marriage and business. We unveil the art of transforming heated debates into bonding experiences and share the secret of "dropping the rope" to break free from negative cycles, including:
If you're seeking effective ways to deepen your connection and turn every argument into an opportunity for growth, this episode is a must-listen. Tune in now to discover how to strengthen the foundation of your relationship and become an unshakeable team in both love and business.
Subscribe and tell a friend!
Get my new book "The Seven Disciplines of Uncommon Freedom" on Amazon!
Visit bekandkev.com today to sign up for our email newsletter.
Access our Free health assessment HERE
hey, welcome back uncommon freedom fighters kevin tinter, here with my amazing wife and co-host becca tinter.
Speaker 2:Today we're tackling a juicy topic how to fight right in your marriage and business now.
Speaker 1:Obviously we don't have any stories to share in this because, we never fight, right? Just kidding, we fight, let's see. Our last argument was when, Just last night. Last night, last night. Yep, okay, we're human. Truth is, conflict is inevitable when you work and live together 24-7. Well, not 24-7, but most of the time. A healthy conflict resolution can actually bring you closer.
Speaker 2:That's right. So here's what's ahead the power of choosing the right time and place to discuss hot topics, how to fight for your spouse, not against them, the magic phrase that can stop an argument in its tracks, and why dropping the rope is essential to breaking a negative cycle.
Speaker 1:All right If you want to stop dreading disagreements and start seeing them as opportunities for growth. This perfect environment for growing, basically a living environment.
Speaker 2:Like a utopia.
Speaker 1:Yeah, except it was kind of like a greenhouse-type environment.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So it was a perfect amount of sun, rain, and the story goes, you know, the trees were growing like crazy, but what happened was the trees fell over, because the trees were not subject to wind which creates stress.
Speaker 1:No adversity, exactly no stress, okay, and so, yes, we want to learn how to navigate the stress of arguing, but let's face it, there's no makeup sex without arguments, right? And if you rank the types of sex that are out there, makeup sex is absolutely at the top. Maybe not the best, but pretty darn close to the best. So, with that in mind, the key is to learn how to navigate disagreements and then to make up for them, right.
Speaker 2:Definitely a way to make lemonade out of lemons babe.
Speaker 2:So, conflict is healthy when you fight right. So why is conflict inevitable and even healthy in marriage and business? We kind of discussed this last time, but I've only known maybe one couple that said they never fought and to be honest, I didn't really believe them. But I also thought maybe that's dysfunctional. And fighting doesn't mean you're punching holes in the walls and yelling bad names at each other. It just means you're going to have disagreements as human beings. Now, maybe you're two really good natured people. We happen to be two firstborns married to each other. It's like dynamite when we do have a disagreement, but we actually get along most of the time, Wouldn't you agree?
Speaker 1:We do, and normally firstborns are right most of the time. The problem is I'm the firstborn, that's right most of the time, and you have yet to realize that right Wrong.
Speaker 2:So it's natural to see the world through our own eyes. Right, we are all naturally selfish and our family of origin can have some really deep roots. So I know we got married at 21. Some of you you maybe are married or moving on in life, you know, at a later age and you've had a lot of time to kind of sort out how you grew up and like your new way of living. But we basically went from living with our parents. You stayed with your parents practically until we got married.
Speaker 1:And I had one roommate for one year.
Speaker 2:And then we built a life together together, and so we were coming in kind of fresh off of how our parents did everything, and we both have great families. So this isn't really about you know our parents and not doing things well, but it's just interesting how you come in with your own recipe of what you think makes the cake and then you have to make a whole new recipe and you have to kind of sort through that yeah, that's so true, so true.
Speaker 1:And then the other thing is what we call e-words the e-word expectations so early in our 25 year marriage what?
Speaker 2:what's really dangerous are unspoken expectations you're gonna say unmet, but you're right unspoken.
Speaker 1:No, because until, yeah, we communicate what it is, then we, we don't know it's almost guaranteed to be unmet when you don't know like, for example. We've shared this before, but now that I I know your expectation that the last christmas gift is the biggest, even if it's the smallest yeah. I understand how to give you Christmas gifts, but when that wasn't spoken, it leads to significant disappointment.
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness, yeah, maybe we'll get to that story. So expectations are a killer if left without clarity. So we talked about gift giving. Maybe it's date nights, maybe it's the amount of work someone's doing on the business, maybe it's how you're parenting the kids. But if you come in with expectations, whether it's from your own DNA and personality, being around other people or your family of origin, if you don't discuss those things, it's quite likely that you're going to have conflict in your relationships, whether it's business or your marriage or family life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the bottom line is we're different. Right, there's more than one way to skin a cat, and sorry to all the cat lovers out there who dislike that saying, but the reality is there are multiple ways to get things done. There's multiple right ways to do things, and it's easy to allow our preferences to cause unnecessary frustration and strife in a relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's sort of the pick your battles right. So if you're particular about things, kevin, like just shut the cover door yourself. If you don't like how it's done, is it worth the strife in your marriage? And truly, I mean, if you have a partnership, you're going to have conversations about this, but I think we've discussed that. You know we're both first born and tidy. You are ultra tidy compared to me and there's just things like I would hang up the bath mat and it would probably be a little bit crooked, but I didn't leave it on the floor and then you would come by and just like straighten it so it looked nicer and over time I was like you know I could put it on straight, like I'm not that lazy, I just didn't necessarily notice it and you also weren't like for the love of God, could just straighten the bath mat you know it could have caused us daily strife over something stupid like a piece of cloth.
Speaker 1:I listened to a podcast and it was marriage related and the husband was talking about the fact that his wife either didn't close a drawer or it was something that she didn't put back the way he liked it, and it drove him nuts. And then finally he just realized, as an act of love, I'm just going to do this for my wife, like it's not something I need her to do, so I'm just going to do it and I'm not going to make a big deal out of it and I'm not going to let it bother me. And that's a great reminder that we don't have like, it's okay If there's some things that you want done your way.
Speaker 1:Just do them your way, yeah, and don't expect everyone to do it.
Speaker 2:And you can ask and maybe the person will do it. I mean, if you had said like, hey, do you mind straightening the bath mat? I probably would have been like, yeah, sure, it doesn't bother me at all. It's not a reason to fight or pick a fight.
Speaker 2:but when you're married to someone who is very fastidious about certain things, sometimes you just want to jack it up on purpose just for fun, oh, absolutely like take the kitchen towels and then don't put them back where they go, like set them right behind them where if said person just turned around and looked a little bit, they might find something, but they're not hanging exactly where it goes, or maybe someone's favorite pen, because they only have one specific pen in the entire world that they're willing to use when you have oh my gosh, you only need one pen the way is, I would love to torture you by taking that pen and hiding it.
Speaker 2:So, anyway, you can have fun with this. But the truth is, think about are you, do you have strife in your marriage? Do you have strife in your business relationship over really stupid things, or are they really worthwhile disagreements that you need to solve together?
Speaker 1:So All right. What have we learned from our biggest fights back?
Speaker 2:Man, well, we talked about this last time, but I think it's really easy to sum a lot of it up with intent versus perception, right? So someone's late and you assume that they're late because they intended to be or they act a certain way and they're doing it to you instead of just reacting to something you know that they didn't expect was going to affect you in that way. And so, man, I would just say, most of our fights that I can think about and we don't have a lot of really big ones, we have a lot of stupid ones we tended to fight about the things that come to my mind as things that we super duper disagreed about for like months on end. We're okay, let's see if you can figure them out. What are a couple of our top disagreements that we would like be in contention about just off and on, for a few months at a time?
Speaker 1:Well, are you thinking about the middle name of our children?
Speaker 2:yes, ladies and gentlemen, especially ladies, specifically, so we had three boys in four years, and in kevin's side of the family. I'll just say from the beginning I love you, mom, but this is wrong. Um, and all of the boys have the same middle name. It's a great middle name actually but uh, I was like no, we're not going to give all three of our boys the same middle name. And Kevin was like oh, which is James?
Speaker 1:So Kevin James, David James, Michael James and Scott James?
Speaker 2:I mean, I actually asked your mom once and I think she told me it was so she wouldn't forget, and I was like I don't know what mom can't remember her kids' middle names, but it's a great middle name.
Speaker 2:I just wanted each of our kids to have a unique middle name because that's how my family was raised, that's how every other human being on earth I've ever met is, uh, in a family and you were like really dedicated to the james and I was like, listen, I'm carrying these people and I carried them for nine plus months. I delivered them. Naturally, I get a 51 vote. I honestly should have had like an 80 vote but, uh, we did have a quote unquote disagreement who delivered the male factor, so keep that in mind what does that have to do with it?
Speaker 2:I cursed you for that on the table. Anyone else can relate who really, really wanted the opposite gender and I and we believe there's only two genders for the record but I, uh, really wanted a girl sometime in there. I was really excited about number one being a boy. Number two I was a little disappointed by the time number three came around and I literally was carrying him differently and people were like it's probably a girl. I was looking at Kevin like he had three heads and I was cursing that Y chromosome. However, Dylan was amazing and I became a boy mom until Evie. But, all that to say, I really, really felt like I should get at least a 51% vote and in the end you did yield and I was right and our boys all have three different names For the record.
Speaker 1:we cast lots.
Speaker 2:We cast lots and the God of the universe. Our God, the one and only decided in my favor because I was right.
Speaker 1:If they could do it for Jesus's seamless robe, we can do it for the middle name of our church, I mean pretty stupid way to get to that point, babe, but it was one way to solve our problems.
Speaker 2:Okay, what is another thing that we spent some time disagreeing about? That was really stupid um kind of still disagree about it, but we've come to an agreement remind me santa.
Speaker 2:Oh, if you have little kids around, don't listen to this next part with your little ones around. But for, uh, the way I was raised is we believed in santa till we didn't. And it was really fun and I loved every minute of it. And kevin was like we're not going to lie to our kids and we're not going to tell them about santa, or we're going to tell them Santa's not real.
Speaker 1:I didn't want to deliberately mislead them.
Speaker 2:Now I have to say, in other areas of life you have been willing to potentially mislead for different purposes, but in this particular one you were very, very dedicated to the not lying and I was like, hey, let's just let them believe in the magic of santa for a few years. But anyway, we went back and forth. So we don't tend to fight about finances, we don't tend to fight about sex, we don't tend to fight about like super big things. It's probably why we have a great marriage.
Speaker 1:We fight about middle names and santa claus, yeah, anyway but basically intent and perception resolved that, where I basically said I'm not going to intentionally lie and I basically said just don't talk, go, yeah, exactly, I'm just gonna go along with it. And it's, it's in. In the end it is it's. It's fun to see the excitement of young kids and when they ask, I say, well, what do you think is how we approach?
Speaker 2:that I mean, it's true, we don't have to, like make it crazy, because their imaginations will take over. So, yes, I wanted, in this section of your biggest fights and what you learned, we did a course years ago called Love and Respect, and it was really powerful for us. Do you want to talk about that for a second?
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, it talks about the fact that one of the main ways I don't know, is it communication or yeah, it's how we give and receive information. Yeah, so for men it tends to be respect.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's actually why, in the scripture uh, I think it was Paul who says you know, women respect your husbands, husbands love your wives, and and so for men it is respect and for women it is love. Men are really good at giving respect and we're good at respecting our wives.
Speaker 2:And women are good at giving love.
Speaker 1:Yes, and so it's. You know, if you want to take a deep dive, it is a great course, it's well worth it. They're phenomenal presenters. I don't even know if they still do it, um, but it's a phenomenal course, but it's a great reminder that what we default to it's kind of like a love language it's our own love language.
Speaker 1:We it's kind of like a love language. It's our own love language. We naturally love with our love language. But that's how we want to be loved. But it's not necessarily how other people want to be loved and we have seen over and over that when a wife specifically does not show respect to her husband for going to work, for doing the hard things that he does, obviously there's not going to be a perfect husband. But when all you do is focus on the things he messes up and there's no respect, you will destroy your husband and for a husband. And likewise To not show love, not respect. Like men, we show love via respect, Right, but it takes very intentional actions to show love to our spouse versus just showing respect.
Speaker 2:And let's be real, ladies and gentlemen, when we say we want love, we don't mean lust. Yes, yes, we want to be desired. Yes, it's honestly. Sometimes I roll my eyes, but the truth is to have a husband like you, who tells me how sexy I am, who always, always wants to have sex. Sorry everyone listening, but it is a really good thing, even though I roll my eyes as I'm kind of annoyed. But the truth is, if you were to only communicate love that way to me, I wouldn't receive it that way, because it's just not how I'm wired as a female.
Speaker 2:So what I love about love and respect is, in order for us to understand the concept.
Speaker 2:The trainers were talking about the fact that love is represented in the color pink and respect is in the color blue, and so when I say something to kevin in a pink format, he hears it with blue ears, and when he says something you know, vice versa, that's how it's heard.
Speaker 2:So it's important that we're speaking each other's own languages. And then the other thing is when we have conflict, it's because we get oxygen from that type of communication and we might be stepping on each other's hoses and we get into what they call the crazy cycle which is like well, I'm not going to show you love because you don't show me respect and I'm not going to show you respect because you don't show me love. And until one person decides to break that cycle, you will live in that crazy cycle really forever and it'll destroy you. So maybe some of you are living through that. It just takes one person making a decision that says Kevin, I will love you or I will respect you, excuse me, even if you don't show me love right now, and then it triggers that feeling and thought for Kevin to start treating me with love and it will break the crazy cycle.
Speaker 1:Basically, and the key is this has to be communicated yeah, also has to be articulated yeah, so you can't just, if you just respect me, I'm not automatically going to understand oh, you need, you want love. But this is where, once again, clearly stating expectations and helping your dense husband realize hey, you can respect me all day long. It doesn't translate right, it doesn't fill up the bank, it doesn't give me oxygen that love does and we're not talking about abusive situations.
Speaker 2:So let's be really clear. Like we're not talking about staying in a situation where you're being physically abused or anything. We're talking about marriages that are, you know, average or struggling, you know, and they, they want to go to good, and then they want to go from good to great, and then they want to really be an example to others.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then obviously we have touched on this several times over the last couple of episodes, but just assuming you know, there's a saying when you assume that you make an ass out of you and me, and it's so true we we talked about this last episode, episode the facts versus the story I'm telling myself.
Speaker 1:And assuming is telling yourself a story that you haven't verified or that you don't understand what the intent was, and so it's so important to just not assume, assume, to not create a story from the facts, uh, but to wait, say, hey, this is how I feel. Um, is this what you intended?
Speaker 2:and when you say that's how I feel again, it just takes that personal attack out of the communication. So, yeah, all right. How has our communication conflict evolved over the last 25 years? I mean, we we've had a lot of practice. We've had two and a half decades or a quarter of a century. So we already alluded, like in our marriage, we we've had a lot of disagreements over silly things. A lot of conflict has come from our families of origin, not because they're bad people, just because they were very, very different, and just the ways of thinking and some financial stress.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just dynamics, family dynamics yeah, absolutely. I mean. I remember one fight, you know, in the first couple years, where, like you jumped out of the car, you know, we were stopped at a stop sign or something like that, and it was the kind of fight where, if you're an onlooker, you're like holy crap, what's going on? Is he, he you?
Speaker 2:know, you know, is she a battered woman or something like that?
Speaker 1:so um you know, obviously it has never come to that for us. I don't even remember that that's. Oh yeah, it was on um, uh, well, I remember don't tell all my yeah I won't um, but yeah, I mean we've.
Speaker 2:We've had some, you know, loud arguments we've only had a handful in 25 years, but some have been rough. They've taken us a couple of days to recover from where you know, you have the little fights where like, okay, we disagree during the day, but we're talking about it at night and we go to bed and we're everything's good. And then we've had a couple where it's it's taken a timeout. Sometimes you're not ready to talk about it and I'm sure as heck not going to get over it until we talk about it.
Speaker 2:Or sometimes I'm deeply hurt and I need some time to cool off, and if you're tired you're not going to come to me.
Speaker 1:You're just not at your best.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So it is important to say. Hey, you think you can always say listen, I love you. Yeah, I know you might not feel like it right now, but I love you and we're gonna figure this out. I need some sleep. We might need some help. We're gonna figure this out really good at that, yeah it yeah.
Speaker 2:It's important. And listen, guys, I mean we're only speaking from 25 years of not just being married but successfully married, Like we really like each other. Um, we love each other. We have a great sex life and it's not perfect, but we have value to offer in that we are. We're committed to each other. So if you've already been through divorce or separation, we our heart breaks for you. We can't relate to that, but we have walked a lot of friends through it. We would say, outside of an abusive situation, don't quit, Stay the course. But also part of the reason we have a great relationship is number one just God's blessing, A hundred percent. He is our third strand. But also we're deeply committed to each other and a lot of people say they are, but then when it comes to it, they are not willing to stay if it's not easy and they're not willing to contend and fight for each other.
Speaker 1:they're only willing to fight with each other well, one of the other keys to our success is that we have always been intentional to surround herself with people who have a healthy, biblical view of marriage as well as having a healthy marriage. You know, you look at our small group that we're with from certainly what we can tell, all happily married people, not marriages that are on the rocks, and if you, um, spend time with people that their marriage is falling apart, the likelihood is that you will Just kind of. An interesting anecdotal observation is over the last year I've had conversations with several friends actually a couple that are some of my best friends from high school that their wives have walked out on them and their families. Now, I know that there's always two parties involved, so I'm not blaming the wives and I'm only hearing the one side of the story, but it was very interesting on numerous occasions.
Speaker 1:Historically, first of all, divorce was very much frowned upon until just several decades ago. Historically, it was the man leaving, basically completely abandoning his duties and walking out. Was the man leaving, you know, basically, you know completely abandoning his duties and walking out on the wife? Um, but these are stories where, reasonably, it looked like it was the wife basically saying I'm done, I don't want to be married, I don't want to be a mom anymore, I don't want to raise kids, I'm done.
Speaker 1:And the consistent theme was the wife was working with women who were divorced, bashing men, and it was just a profound realization for me that our influences matter. And you know, don't, man, if you're spending time with people, if you get together with your guy friends and they bash their wife, you need to go find some friends. Either tell them, hey, knock it off, shut up, or go find some new friends, because I can assure you that if that's how they talk about their wife behind their back, it's they do not respect their wife and they're not going to respect your marriage either, and so I think that associations are an absolute integral part to having a happy marriage and on.
Speaker 2:on the flip side, I've also had friendships where sometimes we need to like vent a little bit about a spouse or just talk through a challenge that you're going through, and you need to have some trusted friendships where they can share something with you, like people have shared this with me often and I've said to them you know, I love your spouse as a friend, I care about them, I hear you and I'm disappointed for you, or, yeah, he's kind of being a jerk, but I can still contend for your marriage with you and just be honest about that instead of trying to pull you away from it. And so when you have the right kind of associations, they can hear some of those hard things and not be against the other person but just understand the circumstances and honestly be a prayer warrior and all those things. So in our 25 years I would say some of our I don't know if they're marriage secrets, but honestly just things that have worked. For us is number one deep intimacy. That's like just having a super, super trusted sex relationship. For me is one of the things that intimacy means. It means we know each other inside and out. You're my best friend and I don't have to worry or doubt about the trust that we have in the bedroom, and if you've gone through that or if you have porn stuff happening, we recommend you get help, because it's very, very common.
Speaker 2:But for us it's just been a blessing of our business, a protection, and because of that there's a lot of trust in the bank, and not just physically but like emotionally, mentally. We just haven't broken each other's trust. I don't think in any big ways like that. And then I mentioned already, but we have an unwavering commitment to each other. So even when we're at the most mad, you know we're disappointed. There's been times I, I, I'm thinking to myself, I don't like you even a tiny bit, like I'm so angry. We're never, ever going to entertain divorce. We're just committed to the end, and our kids know that too, which is a gift. So if you can give that gift to each other, I do think it's super valuable and it changes your perspective, because you're not looking for a way out, you're looking for a way through all and we'll we'll just touch on this that you know we have evolved a lot in our conflict style in business.
Speaker 1:You know, being married and working together. Some of the things that have helped us is learning about personality styles, learning about the Enneagram, the disc, other profiles that are out there, strengths and weaknesses, strengths finders specifically, and just understanding that we have different ways of working. You know I work better under pressure, you don't, and so we've had to figure out that dance. You know like, for example, there's been numerous times where we were presenting together and I end up doing things on the last minute. You're great, I love the fact that you're great at preparing ahead of time, and so what we've kind of evolved to is that you come up with the main material. I ended up editing a little bit and then we'll practice it together, but you you know I have to give up some of um my preference for what goes into it, because you do the the work on the front end and um you're willing to do that so that we're not waiting for the last minute.
Speaker 2:I have to trust that you're going to get it done, because I've seen you do it and you know how important it is. Yeah, asking for favors is another one that I wrote down, which seems silly, but sometimes, if we talked last time about meetings, kevin does not like meetings he's not a team player, naturally, through those things, and sometimes a favor is just like hey, I know this isn't your jam, but can you support this? Can we do this thing together? It's not everything, but this thing. So that's another way that we work well in business when we have differing opinions on things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's kind of like if your wife loves the ballet, I do not like the ballet.
Speaker 2:Your wife does not love the ballet. Your wife loves the ballet I do not like the ballet.
Speaker 1:Um, your wife does not love the ballet, fortunately. But you know there's things out there where you know if, if you go and you sulk the entire time, you're not really it's not really a gift.
Speaker 2:No, it's not a gift.
Speaker 1:It's definitely not a gift. So, um, and that was that's why I prefer to go to rock concerts by myself.
Speaker 2:So, yes, uh, a few too many, where I was pooped out after 90 minutes and they were like three hour concerts, so anticipating challenges instead of being blindsided. So the other thing is, as we've been in business year after year, we go to events together. We have similar experiences and we've had some hard moments where we couldn't get along and we had disagreements. It's like wait, we're going into this again. This is coming up. How are we going to handle it this time around? And just having some agreements or conversations or looking ahead and being like man, we're going to be tired this week. We're going to be at the end of our rope. We're going to need a little extra grace for each other and for the things we have going on and just again working as a team instead of being blindsided and then reacting.
Speaker 1:So something I was thinking about just this week is that and we've talked about, we now know, like when we're going to an event, conference or something like that, it's going to strengthen us, strengthen our marriage, strengthen our business. We know that we're going to experience a spiritual attack.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So if you're a Christian and you're listening, you're like why does this always happen?
Speaker 1:Honestly, we expect it and we prepare for it, um, and we pray for protection ahead of time, because we've seen it happen over and over and over. And I was just thinking this week that you know, for most of history, most of civilization, life has been, survival, has been a family effort, right, whether you're hunters and gatherers or you are more farmers, the entire family, the husband and wife, they were working on the same team, maybe doing slightly different roles roles, but since the industrial revolution and since moms have started to go work out of the home more, we're going our different direction, and and so there's so much intimacy that comes from getting back on the same page, having the same mission, realizing that this is how we're going to earn our income and doing it together, that it's no wonder that we experience attack. And I think that it's just important to understand that if you're a couplepreneur, there's going to be a unique attack, because the potential for intimacy, I believe, is significantly higher as a couplepreneur than people who are not on that same mission together.
Speaker 2:So good. And really to go back to your analogy about the plants, I think that you're talking about trees. What happens is, if you don't face adversity together, you also don't have the strength of those roots going deep, where we walked through some really hard things, we know we've survived, god's been with us and we've built a spiritual muscle of walking through together and we have these intertwined roots. So even when I'm weak, you're strong, or if you're going through a tough time, I might be stronger for you. So prayer is a massive tool in our toolbox of 25 years, and then spiritual and business mentors have been essential really to walk us through different seasons of life. Yeah All right.
Speaker 1:So some practical things is choose the right time and place. Don't let things fester, but also don't force resolution when you're pissed off and the water is boiling over. Create space for emotional regulation. Once again, as a background and police officer and understanding kind of some 80-20 rules about how men respond to things and women respond to things, what I observed is that many times a man would get physical when his woman or wife woman would insist on.
Speaker 1:Basically, they're yelling at him, getting in his face and, you know, inside of every man there's a little boy and he's like a dog cornered in a you know, a little puppy cornered and finally they lash out and so I believe that there's a lot of domestic abuse that happens, a lot of fights that happen that go cross the line from arguing to a physical fight because someone isn't respecting just someone's need.
Speaker 1:I need some space, I need to cool down, I need to take a walk. I need, I need to get a good night of sleep yeah, and then really to agree on a time to revisit.
Speaker 2:So if you're someone like me who doesn't like open windows in my computer brain, it's really hard when we have a disagreement, um, to not have closure, and it's just been over time to be able to say we're really not going to resolve this tonight, it might be a day or two, it might be the next morning, and to be okay with that, just knowing that when the time is wrong, trying to force it is never going to be healthy and, just like seinfeld, sometimes just to have sex.
Speaker 1:You have to have sex to save the friendship right I have no idea how that fits in this category at all, you just wanted to say sex again on this podcast, didn't you? Yeah, no, that typically doesn't work out, so choose the right time and place.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not likely that I'm going to be in the mood until we have fixed everything, uh, and then fight for, not against, each other. So really shifting your mindset from adversaries to teammates. I mean, imagine if you decide to be unified in fighting against the true enemy, the true enemy of this world, who is the one who brings the attacks, and really not being so angry at the person I'm learning this but be angry at the spirit that's in that person that creates the behavior that is hurtful or drives you nuts. So one is to shift from adversaries to teammates. Two is to ask what's best for the relationship, not just you. That's a hard one. We're all naturally selfish and I know when we get into fights I'm all about wanting to be right and having my own way, but man that pivot can make a difference. And then three is to make requests, not demands or ultimatums.
Speaker 1:So good that's so good, all right, and then we'll talk about the magic phrase and dropping the rope. So the magic phrase is you might be right.
Speaker 2:I can't wait for you to practice that one even more in our house.
Speaker 1:Well, now that you've expressed that expectation, I will be happy.
Speaker 2:If you want to say you are right, I'm okay with that saying too.
Speaker 1:I know that's not what's in our notes. I think you might be right is a great phrase for all of us to remember.
Speaker 2:The power of validating someone's view.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, yeah, absolutely. And dropping the rope is letting go of the need to win or have the last word. Holy smokes, we see this with our kids.
Speaker 2:Oh, specifically too, so annoying.
Speaker 1:That argue all the time and I'm like stop. And it's like then they got to say it one more time and then the other one has to say it. But let's face it, we adults, we husbands and wives, can do the same exact thing.
Speaker 2:I thought you were going to say dropping the soap, which is something you don't do in the military right.
Speaker 1:We're not even going to go down this road, all right.
Speaker 2:All right back to the like.
Speaker 1:You don't drop your wallet in san francisco, yeah adult appropriate content on this podcast.
Speaker 2:Only so dropping the rope, letting go of the need to win or have the last word, man, that's a sign of maturity. So I mean I'm gonna do that for sure. So wait, see that again, I will. I'm going to practice doing that really soon in front of a worldwide audience oh, my gosh for all of posterity.
Speaker 1:I like to be right, so all right and then breaking negative cycles with humility and grace. Um, the, what I put down for this was actually and this is our philosophy um, you know, having an adopted child. Uh, there's a lot of different perspectives on this and we, over the last probably year, have realized through conversations we've had with people that have adopted. Um, and we're incredibly grateful to Evie's biological parents for choosing life for her. But what these other adoptive parents moms especially have specifically told us is, you know what? There was no surprise for God that you guys like, basically, god knew that Evie was going to be a tinter before she was born. He just had to use other people to create that child. And we're not disrespecting the biological parents, but we've realized that we see some of the confusion that dwelling on the adoption can create, and so we have made just some decisions on. Evie knows she's adopted, but we're not going, we don't make a big deal out of her adoption day. We did when she was adopted.
Speaker 2:We have up until about this year.
Speaker 1:But just kind of realizing, like number one, that it singles her out is not being like being different, which? On the one hand she is, but it's like the day that we really celebrate is the day you were born, because that's really the day you know, the moment she was conceived is really the moment she became a tinter in our minds. But anyways, we've had a little conflict about this and in this year, you know.
Speaker 2:I know I what did I? Bought her some balloons or a donut okay, yeah, um, and it's adoption day and I was like you know, I don't think we need to celebrate that anymore. Yes, why? Why should we make a big deal out of it?
Speaker 1:exactly, and so we're.
Speaker 2:We'll continue to celebrate her birthday the way, and no shame for anyone who does this is a very personal decision based on, like there are a million opinions about how to handle, foster and adoptive kids and we've tried a lot of different things and we've listened to a lot of things. We've taken some and left others. But for us personally, with Evie at six and a half, and just you know, we, we answer questions, she asks, we open, you know, opportunities for her. But we also just realize we're entering a season where the more she understands, the more confusion that can create.
Speaker 1:right, now she needs to understand that God designed kids to have. The perfect design is one mom, one dad.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And that we can enforce that by helping her understand you're part of our family, just the same way that your brothers are born into we're going to celebrate a birthday, just like we do for your brothers, and not exactly but the bottom line is we went down a little bit of a rabbit trail but I said hey, you know what, you're probably right. Um, we won't make a big deal out of today, other than the donut I got her. So yeah.
Speaker 2:so let's recap we had, we went through a lot, okay. So conflict is healthy when you fight right, choose the right time and place to work things out, fight for and not against each other, and remember the magic phrase you might be right or Becca is definitely right, either one works and then always be the first to drop the rope. So fighting doesn't have to mean your relationship is failing. When you do it right, conflict can actually help you level up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's really the wind that can help you build stronger roots in your relationship. So if this episode struck a chord, friends, please do us a favor, share it with a couple who could use these tools in their toolkit. And don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. It'll show up in your inbox, right in your podcast feed, every single week.
Speaker 2:Until next time, keep pursuing that uncommon freedom in your marriage and business together, it's worth fighting for. Until next time, keep pursuing that uncommon freedom in your marriage and business together. It's worth fighting for.